It is so easy for me to worship and
give thanks to God when everything in my life is going well. When I have food
on the table, a job, family and friends that love me and support me, when I
know that all my needs are met. However, over the past month, I have
experienced emotions and feelings that I have never experienced before; all of
a sudden, my devotion to worship God with all of my heart seemed to be shaken.
It seemed pain and loneliness were stronger than the joy I had in my
heart to praise God.
About a month ago while at a church
camp in Washington, I received a call from my dad that took my breath away. It
felt like someone had punched me in my stomach. I struggled to breathe out, to
breathe in. He told me that my aunt —a second mom to me— was in a tragic car
accident that took her life. I was confused and hurt. Why? How is this
possible? Why would something like this happen to us? A multitude of questions
came rushing through my mind. All I could ask was why?
As I left my home in Washington to
return to Beaverton, I had to leave my family in the middle of this tragic
event, in the middle of pain and sorrow. Suddenly I was the loneliest person on
earth. My parents and friends were not there to cry with me. All I had was this
inexplicable sorrow and pain. Not only was I mourning the loss of a loved one,
but I was mourning alone, with no family or close friends by my side. It was in
that moment that I realized that the only thing I had was God’s
presence. And I had a choice: either to be consumed by my pain and
loneliness, or to worship God for all of the things He has done through my
family and me; a choice to let the Holy Spirit minister to me, or to let the
enemy consume me with those lonely and negative feelings.
I decided to worship God even when my
flesh did not want to — one of the hardest things I have ever done.
And in my moments of despair, God
spoke to me through His word in Job 1:18-22:
18 While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said "Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, 19 when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!" 20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." 22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
After reading the first and second
chapters of Job, especially these verses, I had no choice but to fall to the
ground weeping and worshiping God. I had to recognize that He is a sovereign
God. I began to thank Him both for the things he has giving me and for the
things He has taken away from me. I learned that worship is not a place to
forget your pain, your sorrows, or even your loneliness. Worship is a place to bring
those things before Him, to lay them down at the feet of my creator. Job
understood the sovereignty of God; he understood that his first priority after
having everything taken away from him was to mourn and to surrender and to
worship God. When all else failed, all he had left was to praise the Lord.
In my desperation, I
began to trust God and to realize that, even in my worst and most painful
moments, His glorious presence in my life would be far more consuming. As I
worshiped God from the deepest part of my heart, my questions began to
shift:
Rather than
asking, "God, why did you to this?"
I began asking, "God,
how are you going to move through this?"
I realized that
everything I have: my family, my friends, shelter, physical comforts, I only
have because He gave. He gave, and He can take away. Just like Job said, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the
name of the Lord be
praised.”
It's been a month, and I am still
grieving, still hurting, and at times still feeling lonely. Through this, I
have come to an understanding that the only place I have to run is to the arms
of my master. In His arms I can sing, “it is well with my soul, it is well with
my soul.” If it was not for His mercy and His presence, I do not know where my
life would be. Christ is in me and He is the hope of Glory.
Take a moment to reflect on these
questions:
In times of despair, what does your worship look like?
If God took away the most valuable thing or person in your life, what would your worship look like?
Here are a few verses I choose to meditate on when I am facing dark circumstances:
These are songs that I reflect on for
encouragement during difficult times:
"Its Not Over" by Israel
Houghton
"It Is Well With My Soul" by Horatio
Spafford
"Healing is Here" by
Deluge band
Israel
italamantes@b4church.org
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